By Elizabeth Sitotombe

PARENTING is one ‘institution’ that prides itself with instilling core and fundamental values into a human being before one even dreams of going to any prestigious institution of higher learning.

It is an informal school that does not, in most instances, require any stationery but only an ear and the teachings and wisdom of the parent.

It is one good example of the existence and impact of oral tradition, as it is based on the past experiences of the parent from the days of youth.

But to what extent does a parent have influence over a child’s life? 

And to what extent can parents dictate their children’s lives?

African parenting is one example of a set-up where a child remains a ‘child’ unto death.

Usually defying a parent’s wishes is met with warnings of ‘kutanda botso’ and being disowned. Chief among issues that usually bring discord between parents and their children are marriage issues.

Marriage is regarded as a mutual arrangement between two consenting adults, who take a vow to leave all else behind and start their own family and life devoid of the influence of the parents and/or siblings in other cultures.

Issues usually arise in choosing the right marriage partner, with most parents wanting to have a say in the process.

Some parents often feel they know their children better and thereby know the suitable candidates for marriage.

Such is the conundrum faced by a lot of African sons whose mothers feel they know what is best for them.

One interesting topic for disapproval is inter-generational marriages; where the woman is older than the man.

A lot of parents tend to assume that inter-generational marriages do not command respect and are usually synonymous with the ‘sugar mummy’-’Ben 10’ kind of set-up.

But one can be genuinely interested in marrying an older woman out of sheer love, mutual respect and understanding.

A lot of times, the notion is that, by marrying an older woman, the man is subject to abuse and disrespect from the wife.

There seems to be a general assumption that a younger woman is more submissive and respectful than an older woman. 

Oftentimes people tend to assume that age translates into respect and submission or lack thereof.

In marrying an older woman, African mothers feel as though their sons have disrespected them and have married ‘used-up material’.

But not many of these parents take time to understand the needs and wants of their children and how they come to the conviction of marrying older women.

How is she less of a woman than women her son’s age?

How is a woman her son’s age the right candidate for marriage; apart from age what else qualifies her to be the right fit? 

Marriage is an endeavor that seeks to create understanding and co-existence between people from different backgrounds.

It is a process of accepting the difference in thought and views. It is compromising on the differences and allowing room for a common good to prevail and it is tolerance of shortfalls in humanity and choosing to look beyond mistakes.

So, when one is convinced that he wants to marry an older woman, the thought is that the above sentiments are part of his thought process.

Some say there is more to couples than their birthdays

Hence, it’s a sole decision and journey that one has to embark on and find revelation alone.

Many African societies are of the opinion that when one marries, he marries not only for himself but for the whole clan.

True that as it may be, what good is a marriage if one is to marry a person who pleases the whole clan except him?

It is a question that many have failed to address, with some saying: ‘Love is a golden fleece’, what’s important is having a person to conceive with.

Some even argue love grows with time. 

So while we wait for it to grow, what do we ‘live on’?

Society, especially mothers, should understand that though they are respected and revered for their wisdom, there is a time when one has to become his own man and individual who makes mistakes in life and learns from them.

To think independently and make decisions for themselves and being convinced that the decision being undertaken is the right one and can bring pleasure and fulfillment in as far as marriage is concerned is the hallmark of a man.

Love has to come as a natural instinct and not as a task to which one is given to apprenticeship.

There is no set formula to determine the perfect age disparity for couples. 

Does age difference in couples mean there is no possibility of a happy, lasting marriage? Does age really matter?