By Catherine Murombedzi

INSTITUTIONALISING violence in the name of marriage is something we have grown up with.
How many times have women cried out for help only to be told it is normal – ‘men are supposed to discipline their wives’.
On Saturday last week, we held a bridal shower for a niece who is tying the knot in December.
Friends, aunts and even the pastor from her church talked of the woman being humble and submitting to her husband.
“Always be humble, submit yourself to your husband and remember the man is the head of the house. So be a good wife and don’t argue with your husband,” was the mantra of the day.
The pastor went a gear up.
She idolised the husband as a gift from God.
“If your husband chides you, it is because you have done something wrong. A woman with proper house training does not stand up to her husband. If he slaps you on one cheek, give him the other cheek. I do not permit a woman to teach or to exercise authority over a man; rather, she is to remain quiet,” the pastor said, quoting 1 Timothy 2:12.
“Do not destroy this your new home because the bible says: ‘The wisest of woman builds her house, but the fool with her own hands tears it down,” (Proverbs 14:1).
The pastor twisted words from the Bible to suit her advise.
Sadly, people listen more to their church leaders.
For me, that was a very sad occasion.
The bride was getting into a union as a second-class citizen, sensitised to accept abuse.
I felt that abuse was socialised to be the norm in marriage.
Violence was given a place, with the woman asked to submit to her husband.
Phumzile Mlambo-Ngcuka, UN under-secretary-general and executive director of UN Women on the International Day for the Elimination of Violence against Women, November 25 2018, in Ottawa, urged all communities to listen to the miffed voice of the abused woman.
“This year’s UN theme for the International Day for the Elimination of Violence against Women is ‘Orange the World: #HearMeToo’.”
The theme aims to honour and amplify voices; whether a housewife at home, a schoolgirl abused by her teacher, an office secretary, a sportswoman or a boy who is an intern in a business; by bringing them together across locations and sectors in a global movement of solidarity.
It is a call to listen to and believe in tales from survivors, to end the culture of silencing and to put the survivors at the centre of the response.
Olive Mutabeni, an activist from Chitungwiza, spoke of the need to listen to the victims.
“The focus must change from questioning the credibility of the victim, to pursuing the accountability of the perpetrator. Those who have spoken out have helped us understand better just how much sexual harassment has been normalised and even justified as an inevitable part of a woman’s life,” said Mutabeni.
She called on the police and judicial institutions to take reports seriously, and prioritise the safety and wellbeing of survivors.
She advised that women handle such reports.
“The way women are interrogated is sad. In courts of law, one gets to feel that the suspect is the wronged part. No wonder some women have remained silent after rape,” she said.
Last year, over six million individuals benefitted from the UN Trust Fund to End Violence against Women’s 500million Euro EU-UN Spotlight initiative.
It is the largest single investment in the elimination of violence against women and girls worldwide, to work on safe cities and safe public spaces.
Women also suffer psychological, rather than physical abuse which is not visible to many people.
Many women have or are currently suffering some form of abuse from their husbands, boyfriends, partners or their employers.
The 16 Days of Activism for No Violence Against Women and Children is an international awareness-raising campaign.
It takes place every year from November 25 to December 10.
Let us hear the miffed voices of women and girls.
We have failed to explain to young people the concepts of consent, sexual assault and domestic violence.
Young women who experience violence continue to be blamed and stigmatised, all in the name of submission.
In Zimbabwe, we have witnessed a remarkable confluence of events where women have been murdered in Harare and Gweru.
It’s often taken for granted that violence against women is something we will inevitably outgrow as a society – a hangover from the past.
But the WHO report details that even among young women between the ages of 15 and 19 years, 29,4 percent experience violence.
Sexual violence at the hands of boyfriends or partners is rampant.
Sadly, when women talk of abuse, they sanitise it and take the blame for their spouses’ abuse.
Most agreed that they did not like it when their husbands forced them to have sex.
However, they said it was not rape.
They viewed it as normal for men to do that, even confusing it with love.
This then categorises abusive behaviour as acceptable, with abused women blamed and stigmatised.
The 16 days to end violence should be a way of living not an event.
A WHO report says women who have been physically or sexually abused by their partners report higher rates of serious health problems.