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Marriage and domestic violence …lessons from African ancestors

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CULTURE, are the values that enable a people to relate to each other and live together in peace. The idea that a husband and wife are entities unto themselves free from their mothers and fathers is a strange way of life.
It leaves couples unprotected from each other when conflict occurs between them.
It does not belong to African values.
The culture that a man and a woman shall leave their parents and cling to each other as one flesh, sounds quite good in theory, but not so good in practice.
Delilah never left her people in practice to cling to Samson.
She continued to work in the interests of her people against Samson and his people.
The same is true of African values and wisdom.
Parents continue to protect their own even in marriage.
A woman continues to belong to her lineage even in marriage.
A man continues to belong to his lineage even in marriage.
Their lineages continue to be involved and protect them in their marriage.
The idea that husband and wife are an entity free from their parents and lineages is meant to lead to the destruction of the continuity of the African family and whole of African people as a race. Domestic violence is on the rise among African marriages today because couples are divorced from the protection of their cultures and families and the values that we have adopted from the whiteman’s cultures and religions are leading us astray and not really working for us.
A man according to African values marries into a lineage.
He is husband to his wife’s whole lineage.
A woman marries into a lineage.
She is wife to her husband’s whole lineage.
When a man beats his wife, he has beaten his wife’s whole lineage.
When a woman cheats on her husband, she has cheated on her husband’s whole lineage.
When Ocol abuses his wife Lawino in Song of Lawino by Okot p’Bitek he abuses all her people and Lawino appeals to them saying: O, my clansmen, let us all cry together! Let us mourn the death of my husband. This homestead is utterly dead. All our young men were finished in the forest. Their manhood was finished in the classrooms and smashed with large books!
And she says to her husband: When you come to your senses, go to the shrine of your fathers. Prepare a feast.
Give beer, meat and millet bread to your ancestors.
Let the elders intercede and beg forgiveness from them.
For when you insulted me, you were insulting your grandfathers and grandmothers, your father and mother!
You were abusing your entire people.
The following example from Achebe in Things Fall Apart also teaches us that domestic violence threatens the survival of the whole society, not only the couples concerned:
Large crowds began to gather.
The titled men and elders sat on their stools waiting for the trials to begin.
In front of them was a row of nine stools.
Two little groups of people stood at a distance facing the elders.
There were three men in one group and three men and one woman in the other.
The woman was Mgbafo.
The three men were her brothers.
In the other group were her husband, Uzowulu, and his relatives.
An iron gong sounded.
Nine of the greatest masked spirits of the ancestors in the clan came out together.
Each of the nine egwugwu represented a village of the clan.
Their leader was called Evil Forest.
The nine villages had grown out of the nine sons of the first father of the clan.
Evil Forest represented the village of Umueru, or children of Eru, who was the eldest of the nine sons.
When all the egwugwu had sat down, Evil Forest addressed the two groups facing them.
The hearing then began.
Uzowulu stepped forward and presented his case:
That woman standing there is my wife, Mgbafo.
I married her with my money and my yams.
I do not owe my in-laws anything.
One morning three of them came to my house, beat me up and took my wife and children away. This happened in the rainy season.
I have waited in vain for my wife to return.
I went to my in-laws and said to them, you have taken back your sister.
I did not send her away.
The law of the clan is that you should return her bride-price.
But my wife’s brothers said they had nothing to tell me.
So I have brought the matter to the fathers of the clan.
My case is finished.
I salute you.
“Your words are good,” said Evil Forest.
“Let us hear Odukwe.
“His words may also be good.”
Odukwe stepped forward, saluted the spirits and began his story:
My in-law has told you that we went to his house, beat him up and took our sister and her children away.
That is true.
He told you that he came to take back her bride-price and we refused to give it him.
That also is true.
My in-law, Uzowulu, is a beast.
My sister lived with him for nine years.
During those years no single day passed without him beating her.
We have tried to settle their quarrels time without number.
On each occasion Uzowulu was guilty.
“It is a lie!” Uzowulu shouted.
But Odukwe continued: Two years ago, when she was pregnant, he beat her until she miscarried. “It is a lie, she miscarried after she had gone to sleep with her lover,” Uzowulu again interrupted. “Uzowulu, I salute you,” said Evil Forest, silencing him.
“What kind of lover sleeps with a pregnant woman?”
There was a loud murmur of approbation from the crowd.
Odukwe continued: Last year when my sister was recovering from an illness, he beat her again so that if the neighbours had not gone in to save her she would have been killed.
We heard of it, and did as you have been told.
The law of Umuofia is that if a woman runs away from her husband her bride-price is returned. But in this case she ran away to save her life.
Her two children belong to Uzowulu.
We do not dispute it, but they are too young to leave their mother.
If, on the other hand, Uzowulu should recover from his madness and come in the proper way to beg his wife to return, she will do so on the understanding that if he ever beat her again we shall cut off his genitals.
The crowd roared with laughter.
Evil Forest rose to his feet and called two witnesses.
They were Uzowulu’s neighbours.
They agreed about the beating.
The nine egwugwu stood up and went to consult together in their house.
When they re-emerged Evil Forest spoke saying:
We have heard both sides of the case, he said.
Our duty is not to blame this man or to praise that, but to settle the dispute.
Uzowulu, it is not bravery when a man fights with a woman.
Go to your in-laws with a pot of wine and beg your wife to return to you.
Odukwe, if your in-law brings wine to you, let your sister go with him.
He pulled his staff from the hard earth and thrust it back.
“Umuofia kwenu!” he roared, and the crowd answered.
“I don’t know why such a trifle should come before the egwugwu,” said one elder to another. “Don’t you know what kind of man Uzowulu is?
“He will not listen to any other decision,” replied the other.
As they spoke two other groups of people had replaced the first before the egwugwu, and a great land case began.
Domestic violence is a matter for the whole land.
Let us shun the destructive ways of the whiteman and save our land.

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